Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
