There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
