oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
