dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I skipped work to stalk him.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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