I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
