this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize