He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
