I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
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