I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
He shit in the fireplace
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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