I'm gonna have a badass scar
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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