Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
