So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize