got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
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