There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Randomize
