so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
