This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
