guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
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