haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
