i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
