Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
