I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
