She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
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