I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
