uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
