Redeem this text for a blowjob
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Randomize
