dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
