So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Randomize