Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Randomize