Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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