so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
