if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
