White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
