im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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