one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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