im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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