I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
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