Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
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