I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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