Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
