Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Randomize
