i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
