I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
