So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
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