I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
