I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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