I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
