I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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