Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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