i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
