Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
not ubering you a puppy
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
