Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
