How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
