It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Randomize
