Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
