If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
