I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
