thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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